my birthday

I spent a beautiful last day with you today. Watching the way the sun sparkles in your laughing eyes, and the wind moves your hair in that lovely, fluid wave. Getting tackled and tickled isn’t my favorite thing ever, but i savored every moment of every time you took me down, enjoying your playful, blissful spirit. You were happy today, and that was all my heart needed, or wanted. And I watch you drive away one by one, leaving me in the shadowed parking lot. But i know i’m the one leaving you. I felt the shuddering breath of your buried affection when I hugged you. I saw your eyes fall as you realized how long it might be before we sit side by side, giggling at our own foolishness. And for the first time, I felt my heart truly break to think of leaving. I’m leaving those who know me, the joyful, wide-eyed child. I’m leaving those who have accepted the jagged edges of my soul that have cut them many times over. Who can I find who knows to expect these wounds, and knows how to work past them like you? Must i really leave? I can promise to come back all i want, but deep down i know, it won’t ever be quite the same. Time and distance are the sharpest blades to the ties of friendship. I don’t want to be that person who left you, who used to love you, and still does, supposedly, but never shows it anymore. That person who no longer notices your heart, and unintentionally makes you feel like an insignificant child who you’ve outgrown.

But let’s not think about that right now. That won’t help aching hearts. Instead let’s remember today - your smiles and hugs, and my best birthday present ever.

boldness, testimonies, and stuff that i'm seriously excited about

So I was reading 1 Thessalonians today and these verses stood out to me (1 Thess. 2:2-12) :"But though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had boldness in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the midst of much conflict. For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed - God is witness. Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others, though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, like a nursing child taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory."That's alot of words and if you actually let all of them sink in, i'm impressed. First off, Paul has alot of spunk to list of the purity of his testimony, but we already knew that about him, didn't we? That's exactly what caught my attention though, cuz i don't think he was wrong to do that. I wonder, if i had a testimony like that, if i'd be as bold as he was, and from reading this passage, i think i would. I mean, read the power in this sentence - "Just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so WE speak , not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts." This is the reason for such boldness, and it is not for the legendary apostles alone, but for me (which blows my mind) and you (which should blow yours too)! So there is this inherent motivation for boldness, even before we even consider the issue of testimonies. What does Paul say he did or did not do for the sake of a clear testimony for the gospel? Keep in mind as you read each of these aspects, the Thessalonians were already believers during the time Paul's testimony was being established before them. ("You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers.")- "never came with words of flattery" This is pretty straightforward. He didn't compliment them or say anything, for that matter, for the purpose of getting them to like him. He only spoke what was true and what God wanted him to say. - "nor with a pretext for greed" The Thessalonians were rich people, but he didn't cater to them to get money from them, though that money would have gone to better use than many people who utilize the generosity of others. Money was not his object, or even on his mind hardly. -"nor did we seek glory from people" For the sake of his testimony (and for other ethical reasons), he made sure his motives were pure. Usually, that concept is inverted: alot of people keep their testimonies blameless for the sake of seeking glory from people. I know i do, far more often than i care to admit. But people can tell, whether we realize it or not, especially the people of God. Don't mix up the motives with the purpose, as is our tendency.-"we were gentle among you" Paul came as a teacher to these people. He could have quite easily been blunt with them about what they were doing wrong and what they should have been doing, and we wouldn't have blamed him for it! Gentleness definitely went against his natural personality, but he chose to grow in it as he ministered to people. -"we shared with you not only the gospel of God, but also our own selves"There tends to be an imbalance in this area. We either are all preach without any sacrificial love, or we offer a certain degree of sacrificial love, but without offering people what they desperately need to hear. Paul did both. What is it that you tend to withhold from people? your time? your undivided attention? your prayer? words of encouragement? Oftentimes, i find those far harder to give away than my money or any physical possession i have. Offer people whatever you can, but never without offering them the truth of God as well.-"we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you" Again, the Thessalonians were RICH. In our eyes, Paul had every right to live off their wealth while he ministered to them. But at the risk of causing any bitterness or resentment or just appearing to be a lazy bum, he took care of his own needs, while ministering to theirs.Because of these things, Paul could call his testimony blameless, righteous, and holy. Not only that, but he had acquired the authority to charge them to walk in a manner worthy of God! To be able to do that, without any pinge of guilt about his behavior or motives, is an absolutely incredible feat. But it's not one that Paul did. Paul wasn't perfect. Paul was enabled (and dependent) through the Holy Spirit and his close relationship with Christ. The purpose of this passage isn't to tell you to stop screwing up and act perfectly. The purpose of it, as i see it, is to show me what i can accomplish through Christ, when i value what He values, and to cheer me on to that end. We live in age which catchphrase is "only God can judge", which is license to charge recklessly through life, scoffing at those who have an undesirable, and perhaps wrong, opinion of you. But the fact of the matter is, you have been entrusted to deliver a message so precious that God Himself died for it, to the church and to the lost alike. That duty is not a small one. But it is a glorious position, meant to be carried out joyfully and reverently, with Christ carrying you every step of the way! What more cause for boldness do we need?

Capabilities

There is a thought that has been evolving in my mind today, a thought that one of the essential problems of our christian mindset is that we concern ourselves too much with the capability of man to do evil, rather than the capability of God to do good. This is a broad, sweeping concept that covers legalism, social justice, politics, and other popular issues. In legalism, we focus all our energy on preventing ourselves and others from any possible avenue to sin. In social justice, we try to defend people against the sin of others, which is not wrong, but it doesn't fix their greatest need, only the consequences of it. In political issues, we freak out when there are laws that would allow people to sin and when we feel our religious liberties being taken away. And then there are our personal problems that are caused because of our obsession with the capability of man to do evil. We worry about people we love when we see them struggling with sin and we try to prevent them, until it begins to feel as though you are a prison warden making certain his prisoners don't break out. We spend thousands of dollars protecting our possessions from other sinners. We create rules for ourselves to prevent us from sinning and then feel as though we've sinned when we break those, those man-made creations that God never spoke in command. We keep our innermost struggles to ourselves because we're afraid of how other sinners might hurt us if they knew.
Let me be clear, none of these things are bad, essentially. Most of these start out as a result of God-given discernment. "Oh, I see that I stumble alot when this situation comes up. Maybe I should start avoiding it." Which develops into avoiding this thing which would help you to avoid that situation, to avoiding this person which would help you avoid this thing which would help you to avoid that situation, until you end up in your room with the door locked, blinds down, tied up and blindfolded (of your own doing) so that you won't get near that sin. This does not sound like the life of a follower of Christ as described in the new testament.
I don't want to make this too long, so I won't explain why I believe every single example I just gave is wrong (Though if you ask me, I will gladly explain why I have come to that conclusion), but I will explain something that will hopefully clear that up by itself. God's goodness is infinitely more powerful than the wickedness of man. Jesus Christ lived among sinners for 33 years. If, being omniscient,  He didn't already know the depravity of humanity before He became a man (that "if" being theoretical, of course), He certainly saw it during His lifetime on earth, and how much more, being perfect? He didn't try to prevent them from sinning. Sin is a choice and God is a God of free will. If He took away that choice, there would be no need for Jesus Christ. But I digress (slightly). Jesus died the death of a criminal, placing on His soul the shame and condemnation of all the sin of the entire human race, and being separated from His Father (the only Being Who truly understood Him and loved Him) for the only time in eternity, so that your life would be liberated from Satan and you would know the full joy of being in love with a perfect Person Who loves you more than any other entity could ever try and Who could make you like Himself. He gave you His Spirit to discern, convict, comfort (which means "to strengthen with intensity" by the way), counsel, and interceed on our behalf. We have the fruits of the Spirit, among which are love and self-control, which should cause us to stop freaking out about the possibility that we MIGHT sin if we step outside our front door and instead ask Jesus to help us learn to rely on His omnipotence rather than our own pathetic strength. It should also cause us to entrust other believing sinners to Him, having faith that He is producing those same fruits in them and we need not (and ought not) protect ourselves from them.  We need to also claim His promises, that all things WILL work together for good to those who love Him, no matter what happens in this country, or in the world. The question isn't if things will work out, but 1) is your idea of "working together for good" of your own making, or of His? and 2) do you love Him?
"Without faith, it is impossible to please God."  Where is your faith? How will you step out in faith, outside of your walls of protection/bondage? Do you ever wonder why you don't have your own miraculous stories of God's work to tell? For me personally, I know it is because I do not lay myself bare before Him and wait for Him to build His own walls and armies to fight for me. I fight my own battles, with my childish cardboard weaponry, while He simply watches until I ask Him to take over. I asked once, when I accepted Him as my Savior and Lord. When I understood the freedom and power in the cross. and it changed my life.

Come back to the cross with me.  

CAUTION: you are about to read a mini-book

So, instead of writing a "forward" paragraph to explain, i'm going to just take you through my thought path as i read through these passages in Zephaniah and Haggai during the Breaking of Bread tonight because that seems like it will be alot less confusing.
       So the first verse that grabbed me was Zephaniah 1:12, which says "I will punish the men who are stagnant in spirit, who say in their hearts, ‘The Lord will not do good or evil!'" And again in Zephaniah 2:1, they are referred to as a "nation without longing". As i typically find with these verses in which God is talking to Israel, they speak right to my heart. I am sometimes willing to admit my apathy of heart, but i rarely even recognize when i see Him as being impersonal, and/or myself as being immune. These people didn't think God would act in their lives in anyway, to bless or discipline them. I don't think i have to explain why this misconception is such a frightening mindset to find in oneself. This reminded me of a conversation i witnessed today between a boy and his father. They were "in conflict" over the boy's poor performance in school, and the boy asked his father why he couldn't just not fight with him. "Why don't you just let me fail? It's my life!" He exclaimed in frustration. To which his dad replied, "Because I love you too much to let learn to quit whenever you don't like it." While the son refused to accept this form of love, he did understand that he is not immune to it. I'm so glad that I am not immune to my Father's love, aren't you?
     This next verse probably encapsulates the thought that captured my mind for the rest of this topic. Zephaniah 2:15 - "This is the exultant city which dwells securely, who says in her heart, 'I am, and there is no one besides me.' How she has become a desolation, a resting place for beasts! Everyone who passes by her will hiss and wave his hand in contempt." Like i mentioned earlier, usually when God is talking to Israel in the old testament, or even to other nations, I see myself in them. This time though, I saw the United States. And that convicted me because i don't have a heart for this country. My compassion is ignited within me for reaching the lost all around the world, but i finally admitted to myself that i'd given up on this land. It's easy to do when the arrogance, flamboyance, and folly of our culture permeates every day of my life. But He put me here for a reason, didn't He? And i don't think it was just so i could afford to be more worried about how much data i can pay for on my phone than when my next meal might be.
      Zephaniah 3:2 - "She heeded no voice, she accepted no instruction. She did not trust in the Lord, she did not draw near to her God. "
    Haggai 1:3-6 ~ "Then the word of the Lord came by Haggai the prophet, saying, 'Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses while this house lies desolate?' Now therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts, 'Consider your ways! You have sown much, but harvest little; you eat, but there is not enough to be satisfied; you drink, but there is not enough to become drunk; you put on clothing, but no one is warm enough; and he who earns, earns wages to put into a purse with holes.'" In this passage, the Lord is rebuking the Jews for being complacent in their comfortable lifestyle, yet never satisfied, while His house is neglected. Today, while we could compare this to our lack of generousity in our tithing, i think there are far more telling examples that could be drawn. This house lies desolate when the extent of our relationship to the church is to walk in at 9:30 on Sunday mornings and out at 12:15ish. When we who are fully capable of growing and maturing in Christ do not seek ways to serve in the body as much as possible, and instead, become self-absorbed. This house lies desolate when we do not try to reach out to the unsaved around us, laying on the altar our pride, fear, and selfishness. This house lies desolate when our own hearts are too full of ourselves to let Jesus live in us. WE are the desolate houses that ought to be temples of worship.
     Whoa, whoa, whoa! Anne Marie, you were talking about your lack of love for the U.S. Now you're talking about the church! There's a HUGE difference! Bear with me. :)
      Haggai 1:9-11 ~ "'You look for much, but behold, it comes to little; when you bring it home, I blow it away. Why?' declares the Lord of hosts, 'Because of My house which lies desolate, while each of you runs to his own house. Therefore, because of you the sky has withheld its dew and the earth has withheld its produce. I called for a drought on the land, on the mountains, on the grain, on the new wine, on the oil, on what the ground produces, on men, on cattle, and on all the labor of your hands.'” Granted, Israel is different because the nation was founded as a theocracy, but i think the same principles can still apply. The Hebrews neglected God, so He showed them what it felt like to be without Him. I'm not saying that the apathy of the church is the reason why California is experiencing a drought, but wherever God's people live, and are living righteously, He blesses the land and the people around them. Even their captors, when they will allow His people to glorify Him, are blessed! And isn't that the way we christians kind of feel about the U.S.? As the Lord is dethroned law after law, we begin to see ourselves as prisoners, or victims at the very least. So we fight against those godless laws. And sure, that's one way to do it. But that's not the way God did it. He waited for His people to renew their love for Him before He would bless them in any way, even in government. Do you think, that if the church in America was on her knees in intercession, and on her feet in worshipful service, the Lord might change the hearts of our governors? Not as the goal, but as an added benefit? I don't know, maybe. Or maybe it would just increase persecution. But i know this: if we do not take advantage of our religious freedom to the glory of Christ, God has no reason not to take it away. I believe this country would see the blessings of the Lord if His people would return to Him in humility and zealous love.  So let's stop pointing fingers at Democrats or Republicans, and instead examine ourselves. WE are the ones with unlimited power at our disposal, with an omnipotent Father Who listens to His children, not the speaker of the house or the president.
    So what now? In the following verses, it says "the people obeyed the voice of the Lord their God and the words of Haggai the prophet.... and showed reverence for the Lord. Then Haggai, the messenger of the Lord, spoke by the commission of the Lord to the people saying 'I am with you' declares the Lord. So the Lord stirred up the spirit....of all the people; and they came and worked on the house of the Lord of hosts their God." Isn't that an incredible passage? All the people had to do was obey in reverence and the Lord encouraged them with His presence! Here are some more encouraging passages, in case i seriously depressed anyone. :P
     Zephaniah 3:9 - "For then I will give to the peoples purified lips, that all of them may call on the name of the Lord, to serve Him shoulder to shoulder."

Zephaniah 3:14-17 ~ "Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away His judgments against you, He has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; you will fear disaster no more. In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: 'Do not be afraid, O Zion; do not let your hands fall limp'. The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

Haggai 2:3-5, 8-9 ~ "‘Who is left among you who saw this temple in its former glory? And how do you see it now? Does it not seem to you like nothing in comparison? But now take courage, Zerubbabel,’ declares the Lord, ‘take courage also, Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and all you people of the land take courage,’ declares the Lord, ‘and work; for I am with you,’ declares the Lord of hosts. ‘As for the promise which I made you when you came out of Egypt, My Spirit is abiding in your midst; do not fear!’....The silver is Mine and the gold is Mine,’ declares the Lord of hosts. ‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the Lord of hosts."

I had alot to say and I'm sorry about that, but I do feel that it all needed to be said in order for this to be a cohesive concept. And i'm sorry if anything was still unclear or if i said something offensive or wrong... let me know if this is the case! And offer further thoughts in the comments, please; i really appreciate your input. :)

A Stoplight Conviction

So, i was sitting at one of the thousands of stop lights (hyperbole? maybe a little bit) which had imposed on my life in the last 45 minutes when i felt the sudden urge to honk my horn. This isn't the first time i'd felt this impulse, and i daresay it won't be the last. I know that honking at a light won't fix my problem, but it would certainly express my irritation. But why is it so frustrating when i find my path obstructed in any way for any amount of time? It is because i have somewhere i want to be; i have a goal. We are made to move. To not be content to be prevented from satisfying our desires and achieving our ambitions and dreams. And that determination spurs us on to overcome and succeed. We see this in every little and big thing in our lives. You want to go to a certain school but don't have the money or grades. It frustrates you. You want to go hang out with your friends but your parents won't give you permission. It frustrates you. You deeply love someone and want their best, but they are being unwise or selfish. It frustrates you. The same pattern emerges no matter where you look. And yet there is one area in which there appears to be a model breakdown.
 As christians, we loudly proclaim that our goal is Jesus, and we believe with all our hearts that it's true. Yet we welcome every obstacle. So what if my instinct is to open my computer and click on the internet tab? So what if i don't have an instinct to open my bible or talk to Jesus? Those two are completely unrelated. So what if i get more excited about the prospect of a relationship than growing in the one i already have with the perfect Husband? So what if i get angrier when someone wrongs me by infringing on my freedom or my pride than i do when i wrong God? I would suggest to you that this isn't a model breakdown. I would suggest to you that, to be perfectly frank, if i am not frustrated by these obstacles, my goal is not Jesus. You are made to move. Do not sit at every stoplight, relishing it as though it were your destination. Let's learn to make our goal Jesus, and to be passionate about getting there.

Gentle, but Strong

i know i just wrote about the sunset, but that doesn't mean i can't appreciate the sunrise, does it? :)

There is always a reward for those who will rise early. You see, the sunrise is lovely, no matter where you are. It makes even the most oppressive place seem resplendent. Because the sunrise is hope. The sunrise is different from the sunset because it is always gentle, yet always strong. It is more precious than the sunset in its rarity, because few see it. For the sunrise is hope. The sunrise always promises a new day, full of light and beauty. When i see the sunrise, i see what my Jesus has promised to me. And my heart will hope.

a sunset moment

Does the sunset fascinate you like it does me? Do you study it and wonder at how God expresses Himself through that ever changing painting? His bold strokes that ignite a passionate fire that consumes the sky. He is power. He is declaring His intense desire for me and seeking my love that i refer to so loosely as “passion”. The sky practically radiates the emotion in His heart. And just as i start to become nervous at the thought of an omnipotent God setting fire to the sky from the depths of His heart (or i’ve gotten used to it and have become complacent), i realize that the roaring flame has been replaced by a gentle candle light, glowing on the clouds to produce the most ethereal and calming effect imaginable on this earth. But where did He go? The imminent reality of darkness has come to mind and, as much as i want to enjoy the sweet flush of the atmosphere, i am starting to feel rather frightened and alone. What will happen when it’s all gone? I already can’t see Him and - and i feel His arms come around my waist. He has come to watch the sleep of the sun with me.
“Do you see that?” He whispers about the soft embers before us. “That’s how I love you.” What He leaves unspoken is the choice before me: i can fret about the darkness, or, i can let Him hold me and savor His love together. I choose the sunset.