my birthday

I spent a beautiful last day with you today. Watching the way the sun sparkles in your laughing eyes, and the wind moves your hair in that lovely, fluid wave. Getting tackled and tickled isn’t my favorite thing ever, but i savored every moment of every time you took me down, enjoying your playful, blissful spirit. You were happy today, and that was all my heart needed, or wanted. And I watch you drive away one by one, leaving me in the shadowed parking lot. But i know i’m the one leaving you. I felt the shuddering breath of your buried affection when I hugged you. I saw your eyes fall as you realized how long it might be before we sit side by side, giggling at our own foolishness. And for the first time, I felt my heart truly break to think of leaving. I’m leaving those who know me, the joyful, wide-eyed child. I’m leaving those who have accepted the jagged edges of my soul that have cut them many times over. Who can I find who knows to expect these wounds, and knows how to work past them like you? Must i really leave? I can promise to come back all i want, but deep down i know, it won’t ever be quite the same. Time and distance are the sharpest blades to the ties of friendship. I don’t want to be that person who left you, who used to love you, and still does, supposedly, but never shows it anymore. That person who no longer notices your heart, and unintentionally makes you feel like an insignificant child who you’ve outgrown.

But let’s not think about that right now. That won’t help aching hearts. Instead let’s remember today - your smiles and hugs, and my best birthday present ever.

boldness, testimonies, and stuff that i'm seriously excited about

So I was reading 1 Thessalonians today and these verses stood out to me (1 Thess. 2:2-12) :"But though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had boldness in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the midst of much conflict. For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed - God is witness. Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others, though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, like a nursing child taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory."That's alot of words and if you actually let all of them sink in, i'm impressed. First off, Paul has alot of spunk to list of the purity of his testimony, but we already knew that about him, didn't we? That's exactly what caught my attention though, cuz i don't think he was wrong to do that. I wonder, if i had a testimony like that, if i'd be as bold as he was, and from reading this passage, i think i would. I mean, read the power in this sentence - "Just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so WE speak , not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts." This is the reason for such boldness, and it is not for the legendary apostles alone, but for me (which blows my mind) and you (which should blow yours too)! So there is this inherent motivation for boldness, even before we even consider the issue of testimonies. What does Paul say he did or did not do for the sake of a clear testimony for the gospel? Keep in mind as you read each of these aspects, the Thessalonians were already believers during the time Paul's testimony was being established before them. ("You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers.")- "never came with words of flattery" This is pretty straightforward. He didn't compliment them or say anything, for that matter, for the purpose of getting them to like him. He only spoke what was true and what God wanted him to say. - "nor with a pretext for greed" The Thessalonians were rich people, but he didn't cater to them to get money from them, though that money would have gone to better use than many people who utilize the generosity of others. Money was not his object, or even on his mind hardly. -"nor did we seek glory from people" For the sake of his testimony (and for other ethical reasons), he made sure his motives were pure. Usually, that concept is inverted: alot of people keep their testimonies blameless for the sake of seeking glory from people. I know i do, far more often than i care to admit. But people can tell, whether we realize it or not, especially the people of God. Don't mix up the motives with the purpose, as is our tendency.-"we were gentle among you" Paul came as a teacher to these people. He could have quite easily been blunt with them about what they were doing wrong and what they should have been doing, and we wouldn't have blamed him for it! Gentleness definitely went against his natural personality, but he chose to grow in it as he ministered to people. -"we shared with you not only the gospel of God, but also our own selves"There tends to be an imbalance in this area. We either are all preach without any sacrificial love, or we offer a certain degree of sacrificial love, but without offering people what they desperately need to hear. Paul did both. What is it that you tend to withhold from people? your time? your undivided attention? your prayer? words of encouragement? Oftentimes, i find those far harder to give away than my money or any physical possession i have. Offer people whatever you can, but never without offering them the truth of God as well.-"we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you" Again, the Thessalonians were RICH. In our eyes, Paul had every right to live off their wealth while he ministered to them. But at the risk of causing any bitterness or resentment or just appearing to be a lazy bum, he took care of his own needs, while ministering to theirs.Because of these things, Paul could call his testimony blameless, righteous, and holy. Not only that, but he had acquired the authority to charge them to walk in a manner worthy of God! To be able to do that, without any pinge of guilt about his behavior or motives, is an absolutely incredible feat. But it's not one that Paul did. Paul wasn't perfect. Paul was enabled (and dependent) through the Holy Spirit and his close relationship with Christ. The purpose of this passage isn't to tell you to stop screwing up and act perfectly. The purpose of it, as i see it, is to show me what i can accomplish through Christ, when i value what He values, and to cheer me on to that end. We live in age which catchphrase is "only God can judge", which is license to charge recklessly through life, scoffing at those who have an undesirable, and perhaps wrong, opinion of you. But the fact of the matter is, you have been entrusted to deliver a message so precious that God Himself died for it, to the church and to the lost alike. That duty is not a small one. But it is a glorious position, meant to be carried out joyfully and reverently, with Christ carrying you every step of the way! What more cause for boldness do we need?

Capabilities

There is a thought that has been evolving in my mind today, a thought that one of the essential problems of our christian mindset is that we concern ourselves too much with the capability of man to do evil, rather than the capability of God to do good. This is a broad, sweeping concept that covers legalism, social justice, politics, and other popular issues. In legalism, we focus all our energy on preventing ourselves and others from any possible avenue to sin. In social justice, we try to defend people against the sin of others, which is not wrong, but it doesn't fix their greatest need, only the consequences of it. In political issues, we freak out when there are laws that would allow people to sin and when we feel our religious liberties being taken away. And then there are our personal problems that are caused because of our obsession with the capability of man to do evil. We worry about people we love when we see them struggling with sin and we try to prevent them, until it begins to feel as though you are a prison warden making certain his prisoners don't break out. We spend thousands of dollars protecting our possessions from other sinners. We create rules for ourselves to prevent us from sinning and then feel as though we've sinned when we break those, those man-made creations that God never spoke in command. We keep our innermost struggles to ourselves because we're afraid of how other sinners might hurt us if they knew.
Let me be clear, none of these things are bad, essentially. Most of these start out as a result of God-given discernment. "Oh, I see that I stumble alot when this situation comes up. Maybe I should start avoiding it." Which develops into avoiding this thing which would help you to avoid that situation, to avoiding this person which would help you avoid this thing which would help you to avoid that situation, until you end up in your room with the door locked, blinds down, tied up and blindfolded (of your own doing) so that you won't get near that sin. This does not sound like the life of a follower of Christ as described in the new testament.
I don't want to make this too long, so I won't explain why I believe every single example I just gave is wrong (Though if you ask me, I will gladly explain why I have come to that conclusion), but I will explain something that will hopefully clear that up by itself. God's goodness is infinitely more powerful than the wickedness of man. Jesus Christ lived among sinners for 33 years. If, being omniscient,  He didn't already know the depravity of humanity before He became a man (that "if" being theoretical, of course), He certainly saw it during His lifetime on earth, and how much more, being perfect? He didn't try to prevent them from sinning. Sin is a choice and God is a God of free will. If He took away that choice, there would be no need for Jesus Christ. But I digress (slightly). Jesus died the death of a criminal, placing on His soul the shame and condemnation of all the sin of the entire human race, and being separated from His Father (the only Being Who truly understood Him and loved Him) for the only time in eternity, so that your life would be liberated from Satan and you would know the full joy of being in love with a perfect Person Who loves you more than any other entity could ever try and Who could make you like Himself. He gave you His Spirit to discern, convict, comfort (which means "to strengthen with intensity" by the way), counsel, and interceed on our behalf. We have the fruits of the Spirit, among which are love and self-control, which should cause us to stop freaking out about the possibility that we MIGHT sin if we step outside our front door and instead ask Jesus to help us learn to rely on His omnipotence rather than our own pathetic strength. It should also cause us to entrust other believing sinners to Him, having faith that He is producing those same fruits in them and we need not (and ought not) protect ourselves from them.  We need to also claim His promises, that all things WILL work together for good to those who love Him, no matter what happens in this country, or in the world. The question isn't if things will work out, but 1) is your idea of "working together for good" of your own making, or of His? and 2) do you love Him?
"Without faith, it is impossible to please God."  Where is your faith? How will you step out in faith, outside of your walls of protection/bondage? Do you ever wonder why you don't have your own miraculous stories of God's work to tell? For me personally, I know it is because I do not lay myself bare before Him and wait for Him to build His own walls and armies to fight for me. I fight my own battles, with my childish cardboard weaponry, while He simply watches until I ask Him to take over. I asked once, when I accepted Him as my Savior and Lord. When I understood the freedom and power in the cross. and it changed my life.

Come back to the cross with me.  

CAUTION: you are about to read a mini-book

So, instead of writing a "forward" paragraph to explain, i'm going to just take you through my thought path as i read through these passages in Zephaniah and Haggai during the Breaking of Bread tonight because that seems like it will be alot less confusing.
       So the first verse that grabbed me was Zephaniah 1:12, which says "I will punish the men who are stagnant in spirit, who say in their hearts, ‘The Lord will not do good or evil!'" And again in Zephaniah 2:1, they are referred to as a "nation without longing". As i typically find with these verses in which God is talking to Israel, they speak right to my heart. I am sometimes willing to admit my apathy of heart, but i rarely even recognize when i see Him as being impersonal, and/or myself as being immune. These people didn't think God would act in their lives in anyway, to bless or discipline them. I don't think i have to explain why this misconception is such a frightening mindset to find in oneself. This reminded me of a conversation i witnessed today between a boy and his father. They were "in conflict" over the boy's poor performance in school, and the boy asked his father why he couldn't just not fight with him. "Why don't you just let me fail? It's my life!" He exclaimed in frustration. To which his dad replied, "Because I love you too much to let learn to quit whenever you don't like it." While the son refused to accept this form of love, he did understand that he is not immune to it. I'm so glad that I am not immune to my Father's love, aren't you?
     This next verse probably encapsulates the thought that captured my mind for the rest of this topic. Zephaniah 2:15 - "This is the exultant city which dwells securely, who says in her heart, 'I am, and there is no one besides me.' How she has become a desolation, a resting place for beasts! Everyone who passes by her will hiss and wave his hand in contempt." Like i mentioned earlier, usually when God is talking to Israel in the old testament, or even to other nations, I see myself in them. This time though, I saw the United States. And that convicted me because i don't have a heart for this country. My compassion is ignited within me for reaching the lost all around the world, but i finally admitted to myself that i'd given up on this land. It's easy to do when the arrogance, flamboyance, and folly of our culture permeates every day of my life. But He put me here for a reason, didn't He? And i don't think it was just so i could afford to be more worried about how much data i can pay for on my phone than when my next meal might be.
      Zephaniah 3:2 - "She heeded no voice, she accepted no instruction. She did not trust in the Lord, she did not draw near to her God. "
    Haggai 1:3-6 ~ "Then the word of the Lord came by Haggai the prophet, saying, 'Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses while this house lies desolate?' Now therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts, 'Consider your ways! You have sown much, but harvest little; you eat, but there is not enough to be satisfied; you drink, but there is not enough to become drunk; you put on clothing, but no one is warm enough; and he who earns, earns wages to put into a purse with holes.'" In this passage, the Lord is rebuking the Jews for being complacent in their comfortable lifestyle, yet never satisfied, while His house is neglected. Today, while we could compare this to our lack of generousity in our tithing, i think there are far more telling examples that could be drawn. This house lies desolate when the extent of our relationship to the church is to walk in at 9:30 on Sunday mornings and out at 12:15ish. When we who are fully capable of growing and maturing in Christ do not seek ways to serve in the body as much as possible, and instead, become self-absorbed. This house lies desolate when we do not try to reach out to the unsaved around us, laying on the altar our pride, fear, and selfishness. This house lies desolate when our own hearts are too full of ourselves to let Jesus live in us. WE are the desolate houses that ought to be temples of worship.
     Whoa, whoa, whoa! Anne Marie, you were talking about your lack of love for the U.S. Now you're talking about the church! There's a HUGE difference! Bear with me. :)
      Haggai 1:9-11 ~ "'You look for much, but behold, it comes to little; when you bring it home, I blow it away. Why?' declares the Lord of hosts, 'Because of My house which lies desolate, while each of you runs to his own house. Therefore, because of you the sky has withheld its dew and the earth has withheld its produce. I called for a drought on the land, on the mountains, on the grain, on the new wine, on the oil, on what the ground produces, on men, on cattle, and on all the labor of your hands.'” Granted, Israel is different because the nation was founded as a theocracy, but i think the same principles can still apply. The Hebrews neglected God, so He showed them what it felt like to be without Him. I'm not saying that the apathy of the church is the reason why California is experiencing a drought, but wherever God's people live, and are living righteously, He blesses the land and the people around them. Even their captors, when they will allow His people to glorify Him, are blessed! And isn't that the way we christians kind of feel about the U.S.? As the Lord is dethroned law after law, we begin to see ourselves as prisoners, or victims at the very least. So we fight against those godless laws. And sure, that's one way to do it. But that's not the way God did it. He waited for His people to renew their love for Him before He would bless them in any way, even in government. Do you think, that if the church in America was on her knees in intercession, and on her feet in worshipful service, the Lord might change the hearts of our governors? Not as the goal, but as an added benefit? I don't know, maybe. Or maybe it would just increase persecution. But i know this: if we do not take advantage of our religious freedom to the glory of Christ, God has no reason not to take it away. I believe this country would see the blessings of the Lord if His people would return to Him in humility and zealous love.  So let's stop pointing fingers at Democrats or Republicans, and instead examine ourselves. WE are the ones with unlimited power at our disposal, with an omnipotent Father Who listens to His children, not the speaker of the house or the president.
    So what now? In the following verses, it says "the people obeyed the voice of the Lord their God and the words of Haggai the prophet.... and showed reverence for the Lord. Then Haggai, the messenger of the Lord, spoke by the commission of the Lord to the people saying 'I am with you' declares the Lord. So the Lord stirred up the spirit....of all the people; and they came and worked on the house of the Lord of hosts their God." Isn't that an incredible passage? All the people had to do was obey in reverence and the Lord encouraged them with His presence! Here are some more encouraging passages, in case i seriously depressed anyone. :P
     Zephaniah 3:9 - "For then I will give to the peoples purified lips, that all of them may call on the name of the Lord, to serve Him shoulder to shoulder."

Zephaniah 3:14-17 ~ "Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away His judgments against you, He has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; you will fear disaster no more. In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: 'Do not be afraid, O Zion; do not let your hands fall limp'. The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

Haggai 2:3-5, 8-9 ~ "‘Who is left among you who saw this temple in its former glory? And how do you see it now? Does it not seem to you like nothing in comparison? But now take courage, Zerubbabel,’ declares the Lord, ‘take courage also, Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and all you people of the land take courage,’ declares the Lord, ‘and work; for I am with you,’ declares the Lord of hosts. ‘As for the promise which I made you when you came out of Egypt, My Spirit is abiding in your midst; do not fear!’....The silver is Mine and the gold is Mine,’ declares the Lord of hosts. ‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the Lord of hosts."

I had alot to say and I'm sorry about that, but I do feel that it all needed to be said in order for this to be a cohesive concept. And i'm sorry if anything was still unclear or if i said something offensive or wrong... let me know if this is the case! And offer further thoughts in the comments, please; i really appreciate your input. :)

A Stoplight Conviction

So, i was sitting at one of the thousands of stop lights (hyperbole? maybe a little bit) which had imposed on my life in the last 45 minutes when i felt the sudden urge to honk my horn. This isn't the first time i'd felt this impulse, and i daresay it won't be the last. I know that honking at a light won't fix my problem, but it would certainly express my irritation. But why is it so frustrating when i find my path obstructed in any way for any amount of time? It is because i have somewhere i want to be; i have a goal. We are made to move. To not be content to be prevented from satisfying our desires and achieving our ambitions and dreams. And that determination spurs us on to overcome and succeed. We see this in every little and big thing in our lives. You want to go to a certain school but don't have the money or grades. It frustrates you. You want to go hang out with your friends but your parents won't give you permission. It frustrates you. You deeply love someone and want their best, but they are being unwise or selfish. It frustrates you. The same pattern emerges no matter where you look. And yet there is one area in which there appears to be a model breakdown.
 As christians, we loudly proclaim that our goal is Jesus, and we believe with all our hearts that it's true. Yet we welcome every obstacle. So what if my instinct is to open my computer and click on the internet tab? So what if i don't have an instinct to open my bible or talk to Jesus? Those two are completely unrelated. So what if i get more excited about the prospect of a relationship than growing in the one i already have with the perfect Husband? So what if i get angrier when someone wrongs me by infringing on my freedom or my pride than i do when i wrong God? I would suggest to you that this isn't a model breakdown. I would suggest to you that, to be perfectly frank, if i am not frustrated by these obstacles, my goal is not Jesus. You are made to move. Do not sit at every stoplight, relishing it as though it were your destination. Let's learn to make our goal Jesus, and to be passionate about getting there.

Gentle, but Strong

i know i just wrote about the sunset, but that doesn't mean i can't appreciate the sunrise, does it? :)

There is always a reward for those who will rise early. You see, the sunrise is lovely, no matter where you are. It makes even the most oppressive place seem resplendent. Because the sunrise is hope. The sunrise is different from the sunset because it is always gentle, yet always strong. It is more precious than the sunset in its rarity, because few see it. For the sunrise is hope. The sunrise always promises a new day, full of light and beauty. When i see the sunrise, i see what my Jesus has promised to me. And my heart will hope.

a sunset moment

Does the sunset fascinate you like it does me? Do you study it and wonder at how God expresses Himself through that ever changing painting? His bold strokes that ignite a passionate fire that consumes the sky. He is power. He is declaring His intense desire for me and seeking my love that i refer to so loosely as “passion”. The sky practically radiates the emotion in His heart. And just as i start to become nervous at the thought of an omnipotent God setting fire to the sky from the depths of His heart (or i’ve gotten used to it and have become complacent), i realize that the roaring flame has been replaced by a gentle candle light, glowing on the clouds to produce the most ethereal and calming effect imaginable on this earth. But where did He go? The imminent reality of darkness has come to mind and, as much as i want to enjoy the sweet flush of the atmosphere, i am starting to feel rather frightened and alone. What will happen when it’s all gone? I already can’t see Him and - and i feel His arms come around my waist. He has come to watch the sleep of the sun with me.
“Do you see that?” He whispers about the soft embers before us. “That’s how I love you.” What He leaves unspoken is the choice before me: i can fret about the darkness, or, i can let Him hold me and savor His love together. I choose the sunset.

2013 CMS Youth Conference Promo

This is a video Wendy and I made to promote the conference! Come, ya'll!

DIY

It is quite common for bloggers to post really cool Do-It-Yourself ideas, but being as uncoordinated as i am, i haven't really done anything like that. However, recently, some DIY ideas of a different nature were brought to my attention, and i thought that they were not only well worth doing, but definitely worth sharing.

There's a girl i know who discovered an awesome way to utilize even the smallest of resources. Her plan consists of this: all the change that she has (money, that is), excluding her tithes, she has set aside to belong to God. Change usually just sits around because it doesn't seem like it's even worth trying to use, but if Jesus used 5 loaves and 2 fish to feed over 5,000 people, imagine what He can do with my quarters and dimes! My Lord is in the habit of taking small, insignificant things and making a miracle out of them. This specific friend of mine collects her coins and finds coins for a month, then brings them to the bank to be turned into cash. All the while, she is praying about the use of that money, and as opportunities arise to glorify God with it, she gives that money to those purposes. i've decided to try out this idea, and i've discovered that quite a bit of money can come out of those coins. Not only am i using otherwise untouched resources, but it excites me so much that i'm looking for pennies everywhere i go! i'm getting so pumped to see what God's going to do with my "talents" and i can't encourage you enough to figure out a way to do the same with any resources you have that could bear a little more utilization.

This next idea is... well, i set up a whole blog just for it, so i'll just give you a link to it and let you see for yourself. :) 10,000 Reasons

Never Gray

i drew a picture a while ago. i was sure it was finished. But when i looked at it, i was shocked to find that it was gray. Completely gray. No definition of character, or place, of anything. No light, no shadow - it was all shadow. A shadow: no substance, yet full of darkness. Shame, that overbearing brute, forced me to the ground at the sight of this picture that i had so proudly shown everyone. What a fool they must think me! How they must despise me! And so i have kept my picture hidden away. i recently took it out, and noticed that the nights had drawn their dark lines into my picture, defining the vague. And yet, i can’t tell what my drawing is anymore, whether it is pleasant or repulsive. Maybe if color - but no. i have no colors in my possession, only gray. i know One who has many colors, and uses them in all His works. i suspect He wishes to have a hand in my picture, and maybe that’s where its lines, those sure lines, came from. i think i’ll invite Him over today and see what He can do with it. Maybe then, i could show my picture to people and they would like it. Every picture of His that i have ever seen is exquisitely beautiful. Never gray.

beauty

i'll see if i can articulate this properly. You can definitely help me out by commenting below if there is anything you want to say on the subject that i might have been unclear on or completely missed. :)

So, we all know that creation was made in such a way that it points to God and explains Him in part and draws us to worship Him, right? When we see thundering waterfalls or vibrant, heavenly sunsets or gentle forests, our response, we know, ought to be to become completely awestruck and in love with the Creator. But what about when we see people? I'm not just talking about people who are physically beautiful, though that's a gift as well. I'm talking about ALL people. People are not just part of creation - they are made to be God's glory. God boasted about Job to Satan. He didn't boast about the Grand Canyon or the aurora borealis. He boasted about a MAN. Creation wasn't complete until He had made man. He made man in HIS image! Do you ever wonder at that concept? Not only are we eternal, but i believe it also means that each of us have bits of His beauty in us. Attributes of our Father that we naturally display. I don't mean just believers either. I mean everyone. I know you have all seen that person who seems to radiate with physical and internal beauty. They just seem to attract people everywhere they go. You can't help but fall in love with them. i would like to suggest that, while that is a gift given to them by God, there is a bit of that in the most unlovable person, and i would challenge you to look for that beauty in people in your life that you find hard to love. Maybe it's in their fearless heart. Or their simple joy in small things. Or the way they will quietly serve you without a word of complaint or reproach. God puts things like that in everyone to remind us of Him, and to help us love each other. In Ezekiel 16, He gives this eloquent story of His love for Israel. He starts out by talking about how she was unwanted (abhorred, actually) by everyone and left on the side of the road, in blood and filth.Yet, He takes her in, makes a vow to her so that she becomes His, and He endows her with all this royal beauty. And He says, in verse 14, "your fame went forth among the nations on account of your beauty, which was made perfect because of My splendor which I bestowed upon you." He doesn't say "...on account of your beauty, which I gave to you once you became Mine". He says, "...on account of your beauty, which was made perfect..." I think that that is what God does in us when we become His. He doesn't put beauty in us. We weren't entirely ugly before we came to know Him. We did have ugliness (sin) in us, and it very much consumed us, but when we came to Him, He took it out of us and cultivated the beauty which He had already put in us, and continues to do so, so that His beauty is perfected in us. My point in saying that is not to downplay the seriousness of sin, or our own natural filth. I say this because i don't want you to come away  from this with the elitist, christianese, holier-than-thou mindset that we tend to have when finding out what God does in us, and look down on the ones who don't have their beauty "perfected". I want you to see the beauty in the lost, because THAT is what drives me to my knees praying for them and loving them. I see the beauty that the sin and destruction of the world is corroding in them and i see what incredible things God could make with that beauty and i want it to flourish in His care instead of wither and die in corruption. Do not think that i am telling you to focus on people instead of God. Because i see this beauty in people, i tend to love them too much, and not entirely in Jesus' ways. That is one of my faults, and that is my disclaimer. I have been hesitant to write about this because of my failings in this area, but after praying about it, and observing the lack of love i see because people don't see that beauty at all, i feel i should write about it anyway. I am learning to worship God as a result of observing people, and i am learning to love people better as a result of seeing Jesus' beauty in them, and that is my hope for you.

!!!!!

Okay... so... i'm going to start rambling... i'm going to try to edit this down so that it makes more sense, but we'll see if that actually happens.
I've been realize just how much of a choice joy is. I know we hear that all the time, but it's true. It doesn't matter what is happening in your life... how uncertain your future is... how much your heart is hurting... how much your body is hurting... you can still have joy. That doesn't mean that everything just goes away. but that means that you're choosing to focus on Christ and be grateful to Him and cling to Him and everything He has provided.  A verse that has been tapping me on the shoulder since i read it on Sunday is John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." Let me define "abundant" for you. According to dictionary.com, "abundant" consists of 1) present in great quantity; more than adequate; over-sufficient. 2) well-supplied; abounding. 3) richly supplied.
okay. i have to admit... i get kind of irritated when i hear believers talk about abundant life as though it's only going to happen when we get to heaven. It starts NOW, guys! He gave us, as a pledge of our inheritance, the Holy Spirit! As a PLEDGE!!! A down-payment! He just gave us the gift of Himself living inside of us, of having a Comforter, a Counselor, an Advocate and soooo much more right in us at our disposal just as God's promise that there's far more coming! Just that should make us feel the abundance of this life we have! Not even going further on into everything God provides!
and yet... how often does every day feel like a battle that you've lost? How often does every day seem "normal"? How often does it feel like a monotonous routine? In the words of the esteemed Blimey Cow, "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" In Christ, each day is an empty plate that's going to be filled with amazing food that you don't even know about yet! Maybe i'm just hungry right now, but that's the first thing that came to my mind. The point is... there are so many opportunities to see Jesus and to serve Him that we continuously pass by and then complain about how boring and hard this life is. Life ISN'T hard when we cling to Jesus! The painful things don't leave us, perhaps, but the pain is eased by the joy and peace that we have (not will have, but do have) in Jesus when we choose to accept it. He promises this Himself in Matthew 11:28-30. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Jesus says that! Are you seriously going tell me that Jesus was mistaken or delusional when He said that?
Have abundant life! Take Jesus' yoke! Take hold of His joy!  

Okay. Now you can tell me how hard your life is and how i don't understand. Actually, don't tell me. (fine, you can if you REALLY want to. :P) Tell Jesus. :)

update: what i am learning

So, i've posted some posts about things that have been on my mind, but i haven't really said anything about what i'm personally learning, and i wanted to share a little of that. i would like to use scripture to show that i'm not completely off my rocker, but i'm not going to go looking for verses to support my thoughts, because i don't want to take stuff out of context, so i'm hoping the Holy Spirit will lay some on my heart. If not, consider it like a journal entry, except spiritual and public. Ok, i'm rambling and i haven't even gotten started yet (here's a side of me you haven't seen :P).
So, to majorly summarize, i've been learning the power of God. i'm learning it in weakness. i'm learning that He is not limited by my stumblings. That He does not despise me and refuse to work through me simply because i'm being pathetically faithless in something at the moment. He is not limited by unfortunate circumstances. There is no terrible thing which He has not seen, and no terrible thing which He refuses to have a hand in if we will let Him. He is not limited by my weakness. He uses that which i see as weak in me to break pride in others and to build spirits in love. He's not limited by my "strengths" - those things which i assume i have mastered and don't need any further instruction in. He uses those things to break me.  There is literally nothing i can do or that can happen that can obstruct His will. If that's not encouraging, i don't know what is!
I have issues talking to people. i've always seen it as a horrible hindrance to ministering to people. But because i am slow of tongue, when i do speak, people listen, and when i can't speak, God made my face so expressive that my eyes alone say more than i could, and He uses that. Isn't that crazy? He uses my silence! i don't know about your God, but my God is indescribably awesome. My God makes something out of nothing, in every sense of the phrase. oh, AND He's really sweet about it when i'm dead wrong. When i start getting frustrated cuz i'm weak and helpless and immature, He just laughs at my foolish little thoughts and uses me when i least deserve it, just to show me He can. How can we grow numb to such a God? How can we mindlessly sing songs about how great He is without being truly awestruck? How can we tune out the stories of His power and worship of Him when we hear others testify of His power, just because we've "heard it all before"?

Jesus. is. awesome.

(so, obviously no verses came up. Feel free to share some that came to your mind!)

Stop Being Fake

I'm talking to you. Not the 10 other people that are popping into your mind right now who you think need to start being real with other people. You. This post may be harsher than usual, because it's something that i'm very passionate about, and, i tried to wait until i could calm down about it, but i realized that that's not going to happen, so just expect it. :P
I'm going to tell you what i have been seeing, and i'm going to tell you that there are quite a few who have expressed the same observations to me. Now, i am talking particularly to the ladies, but guys, i'm sure some of this applies to you too, so don't shrug it off. This is how my conversations with most of you go. I ask you how you are doing, and you say you're fine or you give some christianese answer to deflect the question to make me feel unspiritual if i want to dig a little deeper, or you try to satiate my concern by complaining about school or work and just how busy your life is. Do i want to know the latter? sure. But i when i ask "how are you doing?" i mean it in the deepest sense of the question. i mean in your heart and in your spirit. If you don't feel comfortable talking to me about it, that's ok. But just tell me that. i won't be offended. Oh. side note. When i say "i", i'm not talking about just me. I'm talking about all your brothers and sisters in Christ. This isn't a rant about a personal issue i have to get off my chest. This is a real problem in the body of Christ. And i can tell when you aren't telling me everything there is to tell. When you're saying something surfacey. It just concerns me more. You don't have to tell me what's up. But there are many of you who i am almost certain don't talk to anyone about what's going on. Pick someone. Someone who's grounded in God's word, and who won't just make you feel good when you come to them, but someone who will challenge you when your perspective is wrong. It's biblical! "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17) We're supposed to have that kind of relationship with other believers, and i'm worried that many of you don't have that. I see many of you isolating yourselves completely, because you're afraid of getting hurt or you think your strong enough or something. That's pride. I don't care how - wait, let me rephrase that - i do care how much you've been hurt or whatever, but to let that keep you from building up other believers and being built up by them is sooo wrong. It says you don't love the body of Christ. "Love keeps no record of wrongs" 1 Corinthians 13:5). We're humans. We're going to fail you. You're going to fail us. But that's the beautiful thing about being bonded in Christ! He makes it so that those relationships can be fixed! So that in spite of our own issues, we can draw each other closer to Christ! You need the support of other believers in your life. If you don't have that input, you will end up with some seriously messed up views on life, the body of Christ, and even Christ Himself. It will lead to very bad things.Proverbs 11:14 says "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." Again, i'm not saying you need to open up to me personally, or everyone in the church, but find a few people who you know will be a godly influence and build you up in love, and let them help you and ask Christ to help you to help them. Don't let your pride get in the way. I have a grand total of 2, MAYBE 3 girl friends, with whom i have the capability currently to have this kind of a relationship with. All the others won't let me get that close to them. I find that sad. May i just throw this in there, ladies. A few months ago, i exhorted you to pray for our young men. God is doing some serious work in them now, and we are the ones who are starting to lack a fervor for Christ and the body, generally speaking. Step it up!


Colossians 3:12-14 ~ "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

I see no room for isolation or nursing wounds in that passage. Get over yourselves. now.

lessons from a caramel frappucino

Hehe, did my title catch your interest? I learned that clever strategy from my junior high English teachers. "You need to have an eye-catching title to get people to want to read your paper!" Sooo... does that mean that if mine's boring, you won't read it, Mrs. Schmuck?(yes, I just addressed a video teacher :P) Cuz I would totally be ok with that. I never got why teachers make an issue with that. :P Anyway... back to my topic...

No I'm not talking about the coffee drink. I'm talking about the lamb I adopted for a week while we were in Baja. He LOOKED like a caramel frappucino, so I named him Frap. Every time I dealt with him, it reminded me of how God deals with us, and helped me understand so much better why Christ calls Himself the Good Shepherd and why we are sheep. I've always heard that sheep are stupid, but I never really knew how stupid until I met Frap. I met him minutes before I was supposed to be holding him in my arms on stage as if I was completely enamored with my new pet. The pastor drove in with Frap in his pickup truck, and Frap was freaking me out. He was jumping 6 feet into the air (give or take a few feet :P) and crashing his body into the pavement when he fell and bleating like crazy. I honestly thought he was possessed. I figured out later, that he was only like that because he was terrified out of his mind because the pastor's dog kept barking at him and he was in a new place. So, I did not end up holding him on stage as planned. Mr. Lovel had to hold him there during the whole skit, with Frap bleating over every line. Do we ever act like that? Act like we're about to die and freak out unnecessarily when some "dog" barks at us (that's a metaphor, btw) or we find ourselves taking to some new place and we don't like it? Do we slam our bodies into the pavement in  absolute hysteria and then complain because it hurt? I know that I'm kind of stupid like that.
Once I had completed my VBS responsibilities for the day, I wandered over to the area where Frap was tied up to see if the little brat had any redeemable qualities. One of our team members had suggested to me to take a firm hold of his side and then start petting him. So, as I approached Frap, he jerked away from me as far as his rope would take him, and when I kept coming, he strained the rope in every direction, as if it would suddenly allow him to go further if he tried it a few inches over. There was nowhere he could go to get away from me, and yet he tried desperately. Sound familiar? I took hold of him, pressing firmly into both his sides, and he stopped. Only then did I start petting him. Our Shepherd has to do that with us, doesn't he? He has to show us that He is in control, and that we're safe (and stuck, in a good way) with Him before He can show us the riches of His love. When I petted Frap and whispered calming things to him, he became silent and peaceful, and nuzzled into me and just rested there, and that gave me the greatest joy. I think Jesus feels the same way when we rest in Him and find peace there. He knows that it's best for us and that we're completely satisfied there, and that pleases Him.
I had brought a whole huge bag of sunflower seeds to feed him, because according to my research, lambs like them. But whenever I offered them to him, he almost never took them. When he did eat them, he liked them alot. But usually, Frap would ignore my gift and instead nibble at random dried-up weeds in his area, or even my hair! And after a while, he wouldn't be satisfied with them and he'd start complaining. I don't think I even need to draw the parallel between Frap and us here. It is quite apparent how often we do the same thing with God. He offers us good food, and when we eat of it, we love it. But so often we don't want it, and we chew at gross things that don't end up making us happy and then we wonder why.
When I would leave Frap, or when anyone would leave him, for that matter, he would start bleating again, and would not stop. It kept people up at night, and they ended up hating him. But anyway, he was lonely. He wanted nothing more than to know that someone was with him. Now, unlike me, God doesn't ever leave us, but I think there is a very important point to be made. Do we even notice if we're not in His presence? We're always in His presence, but if we're separated from Him, I mean. If we left Him, would we feel it? or would we just continue on obliviously? Would we bleat out the moment we realized we weren't near Him? I find that idea very convicting.
There were days that I didn't meet with Frap because I had been an invalid for some reason or another. And I worried that the progress I had made with him would be lost. But I remember after my first day-long separation, I came over to him, and at first, he started backing away again, which he did with everyone who approached him. But I started whispering to him, and the moment he heard me, he came to me. Does that remind you of a certain verse? He recognized my voice and he wanted to be in my love. I cannot tell you the joy I took in that. Are we like that when we hear God's voice? Do we want His love that much?
I have alot more parallels I could draw from that week I had with Frap, but this post is already really long, so I will end here. But if you want to understand Christ and His dealings with us in a really personal way, go adopt a lamb! ;)

worthy of the gospel

Only conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or remain absent, I will hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel; in no way alarmed by your opponents - which is a sign of destruction for them, but of salvation for you, and that too, from God. For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear to be in me. ~ Philippians 1:27-30

It may very well be that the above words are the clearest and most true that you will read on this post, because my mind has not been working well the past few days and even expressing myself through writing has become difficult. So feel free to explain what i neglect to, or address something that doesn't sound quite right.
That being said, this passage is a really cool passage. We often hear about conducting ourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, but i think we tend to brush over it as one of those "be good now, children" admonishments. What does it really mean? Well, i think it has at least two meanings. The first is that the gospel, if we have the correct view of it, should be the most important concept on our mind. We should be valuing it more than most people value money or popularity. The gospel was created through the death of GOD! He deemed it THAT important! We should, as well. Do we act like we're worthy of possessing it? It's a precious gift, and alot of times, i know i don't act like i have it, much less that i'm worthy of possessing it. I don't think i explained that very well, but the Holy Spirit can explain it to you much better than i ever could anyway.
The second implication of "conducting ourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" is that the gospel should have taken effect in our lives. Because of it, we can live completely free from guilt, shame, slavery to sin, fear, and the list goes on. We can have absolute confidence through Christ! But do our lives days look like that? I know i fail every day, letting fear and my old nature's desire to sin have control in my heart. This should not be so. I have the gospel of Christ. I have purity, boldness, love, longsuffering, and so much more through Christ because i have received His gospel. You have it too. take advantage of that.
The next part of the passage says "so that whether I come and see you, or remain absent, I will hear of you,  that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel; in no way alarmed by your opponents - which is a sign of destruction for them, but of salvation for you, and that too, from God." I can list on one hand the believers i know that are renowned for their steadfastness, zeal for the gospel, and fearlessness of opposition. On ONE hand! Out of how many believers that i know??? and i am not one of those that i could list, just by the way. Our unity in trust in Christ and love for Him should be so vibrant that even those who are nowhere near us are being told of us! God has given us all the same ability to stand out like that in Him. We can't argue that some believers just have stronger personalities or are blessed with more gifts or whatever, because that has nothing to do with it. It is Christ that gives us that power, but we have to allow Him to have His way in us.  
The final point of the passage that i want to address is "For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake". Paul makes a point of saying that it has been granted, not just to believe in Him, but to suffer. I think alot of the time, we stop with the idea that we have been granted belief in Him, because that is the obvious gift and it's happy and gives us warm, fuzzy feelings and it's easy because we already believe in Him. But we don't think about the fact that we've been granted to suffer for His sake. Granted. That's a gift too. But if we're even mature enough to expect suffering for His sake, we don't act like it's a gift. We ask for God to make it stop and make it easy for us.  I'm not saying that it's unreasonable for you to not want to suffer for Him, because as a human being, it's totally natural. But as those striving to be more like Christ and bring Him more glory, i do think it is something that we should begin to accept as a gift.

Convicted by the Man with the Umbrella

Today found me standing miserably in pouring rain with a friend of mine, getting soaked to the bone while waiting for the bus that didn't show up. Seeing as neither of us were dressed for such an unfortunate circumstance (aside from my rain boots), we were freezing. Out of nowhere, a complete stranger walked up to us and offered us shelter under his umbrella. I was naturally suspicious, due to my past experiences with strange men at bus stops, but we gratefully accepted his generosity and he proceeded to make polite conversation, explaining how he "felt like a sucker, being a skinny dude with a big umbrella and seeing two poor girls getting cold and needing shelter". He behaved entirely honorably the whole time, and for the rest of the day, this incident has bothered me, and I know precisely why. Had I been in the same situation as that man, I would not have offered my umbrella to complete strangers. And, unlike this man, I have been charged by the Most High God to do far more than that for complete strangers. 

Matthew 25:35-40 ~ "'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’"

I know we have all heard this passage quoted until we have numbed ourselves to it. But think about it. What if we actually treated strangers like they were God??? Not in the sense that they have His authority, obviously, but what if we treated them as though they were as important? Here's a radical thought: what if we actually did on a daily basis what God has been telling us to do for thousands of years? And what if we didn't esteem ourselves as super spiritual after every time we did something little like that? What if we didn't do it because we wanted to get an opportunity to stuff Christianese down someone's throat and chalk up bonus Jesus points? What if we actually did it because we sought from God a real love for these people? It's time for me to step it up, and by "me", I mean let God actually have His way in my heart and not be selfish and so focused on myself that I don't notice the needs of these other people that God happens to love just as much as He loves me, even though I don't know them! He doesn't just love the people I already know and who are already in my life, so why do I act like it? Being shy and timid and having a hard time getting words out of my mouth is no excuse for not showing love to everyone. Moses had similar issues, and he had to talk to HOW many people??? Jeremiah was hesitant because he didn't feel adequate, but did God just say, "oh yeah! I forgot you're scared of people and you don't think your competent to do My work! Let Me go find someone else who's overconfident and perfect, so that they don't mess up My plan!" I know my God doesn't make mistakes and I know my God is stronger than my patheticness, and I will not pretend He's a liar just because I want to be selfish.

"sensible"

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age.

Titus 2:11-12

This passage was brought to my attention this morning in Sunday School, and it rather startled me, because the word "sensible" isn't necessarily one that is commonly connected with New Testament ideas. In the New Testament, we find radical actions, such as selling everything you have to give to the church, or giving up your career, family, and social standing to minister nomadically to churches around the world. "Sensible" doesn't really seem to fit into the picture. In fact, "sensible" seems to kill the excitement of it all.  Now, for myself, I am not a particularly sensible person, so I always liked the idea of christians being a bunch of crazies that no one can understand, because I wouldn't have to explain why I just blew a hundred bucks for someone's birthday. "Oh, she's a christian, you know how they are. Money means nothing to them! They should all be homeless by now!" Is there some validity to this kind of "christian foolishness"? Of course! Nothing we have is really ours, as I'm sure you've heard. We are supposed to surrender everything we have and everything we are to the cause of Christ. But I know for myself at least, I don't do it for the cause of Christ all the time. I do it for good reasons, like because I love someone and I want them to know that, or such, and I'm not saying it's wrong to do that. In fact, I'm one of the biggest advocates for that kind of love that you will ever meet, but I realized that I don't do it for Christ alot of the time. I do it because it makes me happy. And, it hasn't really occurred to me, until today, that God might actually have a better purpose for my resources and time than I do. What I'm saying is, living recklessly FOR CHRIST isn't an excuse for me to be the natural idiot that I am. He can use that stupidity for His glory, but it is my duty to discern whether I'm doing something that God really wants me to be doing, or something that I just feel like doing. *Sigh* I don't know whether I'm preaching to the choir and I'm the only idiot who has this issue, or whether this is actually a relevant topic, but I just wanted to share my new knowledge. Again, I'm not trying to say that we shouldn't live radically for Christ - I'm just saying we should do it for a purpose, and not confuse our own ideas with God's. God is sensible, and we should be, too, in whatever way that applies to us. For me, obviously it's money, but it may be something else for you, or maybe it doesn't even apply to you. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm going to stop now.  :P 

Sweetly Broken

I know this isn't one of my long shpiels, but this song best describes how my spiritual state is right now, and I hope it brings you back to the cross as it did for me.

a photo of my heart

Come, let us return to the Lord.For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth.
  Hosea 6:1-3 

 I cannot count the times that I've referred to this passage... I've always known it was a special passage for me. But, I am now clinging to the hope that is so evident in it in a way that I never have before. In the past, it was a faint remembrance of what He had done for me before. But now, it is a promise that I am holding on to desperately. You see, I have been going through a time of much conviction and growth and... it hurts. It is encouraging because I know I must be more teachable and seeking after the Lord more fully, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't been painful. I constantly finding myself asking my Father, "Can we be done yet? At least for now? I can't go on like this, Dad!" There are so many times when I've wished myself away from... myself.  But this passage has been keeping me going, this and other passages, songs, friends, and the many other blessings that God has been sending my way. He will heal me. He will bandage me. He will revive me. He will rain on me, on my thirsty, cracked soul. Life is not supposed to be easy or simple. It's not supposed  to be soft and comfortable and warm. Not here, anyway. The pain isn't going to go away until we are perfected, in a perfected kingdom. But He is faithful... oh, so faithful.