Blessed is the Match

Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame.

Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart.

Blessed is the heart with strength to stop beating for honor's sake.

Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame.

~ Hannah Senesh

The author of this poem was 22-year-old Hannah Senesh. Born an upper-class Hungarian Jew in the 1920's, she had grown up in a life of comfort. However, by the age of 17, she abruptly informed her mother of her plan to move to Palestine to join the Zionist movement growing there. She was so dedicated and determined to the cause of her people when she finally achieved passage to Palestine, she attended an agricultural school for girls, seeing agricultural labor as the area of greatest need, despite her own advanced education and intellectual tendencies. Meanwhile, the holocaust had begun in Europe and its waves were rolling towards Hungary, where her mother still lived. Hannah became worried, not only for her own mother, but for the other Jews trapped in Europe, and began contemplating a penetration into Europe and Hungary to defend her mother and her people. She then heard of a band of Jews in Palestine who were forming a resistance of their own to go back into Europe and fight the Nazis and support the Allies. Hannah immediately joined and after much training, parachuted into Greece and made her way into Hungary with 4 men under her command. She arrived in Budapest at the same time as Hitler's forces did, an unfortunate coincidence that led to her capture. She was interrogated and beaten severely in an effort to extract codes and other information out of her, but she would not surrender anything. Her mother was brought in and ordered to persuade Hannah to talk, but her mother said that she knew that if her daughter was keeping something from them, it was for good reason, and she would not persuade her. Hannah was kept imprisoned for months, before being tried and convicted of treason against Hungary, and executed, days before Russia took Budapest for the Allies. When the war ended, her body was reclaimed by the Palestinian Jews, who had claimed her as their heroine, a symbol of perseverance and hope for the Zionist movement, and a monument was made in her honor. 

      This was all in a documentary that I watched last night, and as I watched, I was stunned, not only by her, but by her cause. Here was a young woman, with a cause, a good one, but only a temporary one, and who accomplished incredible things without even the Holy Spirit to work through her. Indeed, she was not even sure there was a God.  How can a young woman have such an impact at such a young age for a cause infinitesimally smaller than the cause of our Lord Jesus, and we, with, not a match to kindle a flame, but an atomic bomb (by comparison) to kindle our flame, have no such stories to tell of our own lives? Then I reasoned, "Anne Marie, that was a time of war. War molds incredible people who do incredible things. There were many more tales of heroism written during that time." Oh really? Are we not in a greater war than World War II? Ephesians 6:12 came to mind: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Our cause is greater than anything in this world. Our resources to fight for our cause are greater than anything in this world! If a young woman without such a cause or such a means as we have can accomplish such amazing things, we can certainly accomplish far more through Christ. 

Play-dough with a Soul

This way,

That way,

Every which way,

Pushed

Pulled

Stretched

Squished

The more i live,

The more i realize that

i am clay.

Many desire to form me

To trim off my unwanted edges

With their cookie cutters.

To be play-dough with a soul is the most perplexing position possible.

There are the 4 year olds

Stuffing me in their mouths

Trying to eat me when the teacher isn’t looking.

There are the students

Striving to attain perfection through me,

To prove their skill in manipulating me.

But they all try to fight against the one Artist.

They try to rip pieces of me out of His hands,

Confident of their superior plan for me.

But as play-dough with a soul,

i must choose.

i must choose to yield only to the  Artist’s fingers,

To harden myself to the persistence of the amateurs.

As play-dough with a soul, i choose You, the Artist,

To soften my clay to Your will,

Bend me to make Your beauty,

Strengthen me to be Your work alone.

Fear

God has been teaching me alot about fear lately, through my friends, through His Word, even through Veggie Tales. He's showing me just what a hold fear has had on me and how imperative it is that I allow Him to purge it out of me. So... I just thought I'd share a little of what He has been showing me. I think I first really started noticing the overwhelming bondage of fear in my life a couple months ago, when my friends started pointing it out and tried to help me work through it. But I didn't really think I needed any help. I figured I was fine, because fear is normal and they were just overreacting (sorry, guys!). But because they were persistent in voicing their concern, and God was faithful to point out my fear in different situations, I realized I had a huge problem on my hands. I was afraid of practically everything. I was afraid to tell my friends when they hurt me. I was afraid of telling my parents when I had issues that I knew they could help me with. I was afraid of completing any task or duty for fear that I might do it wrong. I was afraid to raise my hand in class if there was a question I needed answered. I realized that these are situations that happen every single day, and that my fear was crippling me from being able to even perform normal, daily functions properly.  It got to the point that I would not even do what I knew was right because I was too terrified of the possible consequences. You have probably heard that the Bible says 365 times "Do not fear". So obviously, fear is in direct opposition to God. But why? To let fear reign over you is to say that God is not bigger than whatever it is that you fear. It is saying that God can't possibly protect you in whatever circumstance you're facing, that God can't possibly heal you from whatever hurt is impending, that God can't possibly fix whatever issue you're dealing with. Fear says that you do not trust God, the omnipotent Creator of the universe, who proved His power over sin and death, the only other 2 things that we should have feared besides Him. And to not trust Him implies that you do not truly know Him. Because if you did, you would know implicitly His unshakable power. Even after I had meditated on all this for a long time, I still would not let go of my fear. I had let it become too deeply engrained in me, and I knew it would hurt to have it removed. God had to let things get really bad in my life to the point where holding onto my fear had become far more painful than having it removed. And the tipping point was when He had to use a Veggie Tales video to convict me, just a couple days ago. Never ONCE when I was little, did I actually learn anything from Veggie Tales. We were watching the story of Esther in our day care and I was so convicted by it. Esther went through some of the same fears I did (at least in the cartoon), and she made the right choice, yet I had previously reached the point where I was almost completely ok with making the wrong choice because I succumbed to my fear. Well, I was quite embarrassed that God had to use Veggie Tales on me to help me see things straight, and so I decided that I was going to start letting Him work on my fear. It's been a slow process because I still react in fear alot, but now I am willing to bring it before Him and trust Him that when I act in boldness, He will strengthen me to do so. Last night, I was reading through my Bible and I came across Psalm 27:1-3

 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, my adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, in spite of this I shall be confident."

This is going to sound really stupid and obvious, but it's something I hadn't really ever thought about before. I never really considered the implications of the Lord being my "light". It was just something I'd always heard. But last night, I realized just how wonderful and encouraging it is that He is our light. Light dispels darkness and reveals the unknown. All the things that I fear are revealed in His light to be small and unimportant. His light takes away my fear. That thought is incredibly freeing to me, and I hope it is to you too. Anyway, I wrote this 1) because it's been a while since I posted something, 2) because I thought it would be nice to update you on my spiritual walk, 3) because I hope that this post will encourage and build you up, and 4) so that when you see fear poking its horrid little head out in my life, that you will slap it and put it back in its nonexistent place. :)

To My Beautiful

This is a poem I wrote for a friend of mine, but I hope it is something that can encourage all of you as well.

To my Beautiful

by Anne Marie Caughell

You capture all

You enrapture all

You are beauty.

All eyes watch beauty

as she walks by.

She walks by, blind

to those who see her best -

seeing only what she can’t find.

but you are beauty.

Hold your wounds,

Question your tears

as though they don’t belong.

And stare, at the barren

crevices in your portrait.

You don’t understand.

You are beauty.

Beauty is the sunset.

Beauty is gold.

Beauty is a songbird.

Beauty is a shooting star.

Beauty is a diamond.

Beauty is a forest of towering trees.

You are beauty.

But to dazzle the world with a sparkling sunset,

The sun must first abdicate her throne.

For she cannot weave such brilliant threads into her

tapestry from so lofty a position.

But a sunset is beautiful.

You are beauty.

Gold must burn,

over, again, more,

until purity shines through the flames.

But gold is beautiful.

You are beauty.

And a little songbird spreads joy throughout

the silent countryside.

but fledglings master falling,

then...soar.

But a songbird is beautiful.

You are beauty.

Even a shooting star,

to grant some child’s wish,

must leave his peers for an uncharted course,

knowing he will die.

But a shooting star is beautiful.

You are beauty.

Then a diamond, uniting loving hearts,

must be cut, chipped, bled,

until it no longer seems rough and crude.

But a diamond is beautiful.

You are beauty.

So the breathtaking wooden giants,

with all their upright majesty,

will never reach such regal heights

unless a seed surrenders its form to be buried

in the cold, dark earth.

But a forest is beautiful.

You are beauty.

My precious one,

beauty can never be beautiful

without pain or loss.

And true beauty is

     ever changing,

ever growing,

   ever deepening

        never the same.

So you too must change

grow

deepen

and will become more beautiful.

For you are beauty.

Now you know why,

there’s no need to ask.

Treasure each tear,

Cherish each empty piece of your portrait.

and give thanks for each heartbreak

For this means that

You are beauty.

On the Front

This piece sounds depressing, but it actually has a really encouraging point to it, so just bear with me.

On the ground! On the ground! but not all listen to our commander. A lieutenant, a private, a corporal. down. I look around to realize that I am standing in a field of agony.  The fallen are wounded, but few will die. Instead, they gasp at every movement, and their screams claw at my ears with every breath they take. Some will not admit that they have been wounded. They grit their teeth and grab their guns and yell "I'M FINE!", daring you to say otherwise. only to stumble back to the ground in pain. For these bullets do not kill. They cannot kill. Our army is too strong for that. But they tear at our very souls, and leave scars that are not easily removed. The enemy's latest volley has succeeded, to some extent. There are very few left standing. Sir, permission requested to cease firing. My tears are blurring my vision, Sir. Permission denied. But I understand. I will stand. I must stand. It is even more imperative that I fight now. I must fight to protect the fallen until they can stand again. I must fight so that my Commander's honor will be upheld. I must fight for the fallen. I must fight for the honor of my Commander. I must fight for the future of my country. No bullet will take me down. My Commander will lead me into victory. The enemy is powerless against us. I am unstoppable.
                                                                I       will      stand.

what's right with it?

How often have you ever heard that question? The one I usually hear, and say, when someone appears to disagree with an a opinion or an idea is "What's wrong with it?". However, as christians, I think we are completely missing the point when we ask that question. The question itself implies that whatever it is that we want or want to do is ok as long as it's not inherently evil. It implies that there is a neutral ground. Yet I would argue that there is no truly neutral ground. Having a facebook (contrary to my father's belief) is not inherently evil. However, if you are spending a third of your day on it and suddenly find yourself having gone through your day without spending any time with God, I think we agree that there is a problem. The same thing with having a boyfriend, a job, an education - do you get what it is I'm saying? None of these things are wrong. In fact, usually, these things are considered very good things. But if anything, or anyone, is taking your time away from God, and thereby taking your heart away from God, it is a problem. So before you get all defensive when someone seems to be questioning a choice of yours and you demand to know what's wrong with it, examine yourself truly to discern how it draws you closer to the Lord, or how it pulls you away. This morning, in my history class, my history teacher wanted to know what each of us value. And then he told us that it had to be something that we could prove by how our lives have been spent since this morning. What I'm trying to say, is that we can talk all we want about how our heart is with God and how our choices aren't affecting our walks with Him, but how do you prove it? What is right with the choices you have been making? I challenge you to raise your "standard of living" by questioning your own decisions based on how it brings you closer to the Lord, not by if it's wrong or not.

Zombies Exist

Yeah, you read the title right. They really do. I had to read an article for my cultural anthropology class (aside: one of the most spiritually dark classes I have ever seen) in which the author talked about his experience solving the mystery of zombification in Haiti. You see, in Haiti, zombies are widely believed in, based on many stories of people's lost ones coming back to them, after being buried for years, alive. As it turns out, Haiti is largely ruled by secret Voodoo societies, who act basically, with all the authority of the government. These societies choose citizens who are out of favor with them for some reason or another and cover them with a powder. This powder, among many other things, contains puffer fish poison, but just the right amount to slow down a person's metabolism and make them appear dead for an extended amount of time. After being pronounced dead, and buried, these "dead people" are dug up from the grave by the witch doctors and put to slave labor. They are kept in slave labor by being fed an extremely intense drug which inhibits their free will. Very few escape, but those that do only remember being paralyzed and not being able to do anything about their predicament.

I hated this story and agonized over the darkness of the whole situation UNTIL I realized that this is or has been true spiritually of us.

Our sin, however minor it seems, such as gossiping, flirting, or simply wasting time, inhibits our free will to such a degree that we become paralyzed. We allow ourselves to reach this state where we cannot, or don't want to get out of it. Paul says, in Romans 7:15-17, "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me." Sound like slave labor much? We are doing what we hate? Don't you find that to be so true when you examine yourself? I despise myself when I see all these filthy things inside of me that reappear day after day that I promised I would get rid of. If this isn't connecting with you at all, you need to spend some time in serious self-examination in the Word. DON'T YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS???

Don't you want to stop being drugged by Satan and doing what he wants you to do? Don't you want to be free??? The solution is not hard to find! In 1 Corinthians 10:13, Paul tells us that God is faithful, and with temptation, WILL provide a way of escape! The emergency exit door is right there! Often times, when I don't feel like I've been seeing the emergency exit door, I find it's because I've hardened myself to the Holy Spirit. So when that happens, and I don't feel Him poking me when I am tempted, only after I've fallen, I have to pray to be sensitive once again to the Holy Spirit's convictions. Prayer works, guys, and it's not just some cliche phrase! It IS the only way to ask for help! You can't expect to be freed without ever talking to your Rescuer. He is WAITING for us to ask for help, to tell Him that we realize that we can't overcome our bonds without Him. He loves us so much, but He isn't going to force us to seek after His holiness. He gives us a choice to pursue holiness, or find out after the first time we've been zombified, or many years of being zombies, that we have been held in bondage.

I'm pleading with you, right now, PLEASE call on our Deliverer to get you out of that spot. PLEASE take the time to really think about your life, and in what areas have you allowed yourself to become zombified. You have a much higher calling than zombihood. Don't live your life, only to come to the realization that you never lived at all.

Please leave comments, corrections, anything below. I know I may have been a little off or something (it is 12:54 A.M. right now), so please tell me!

Grieving for the Church

I was reading Hosea tonight and became suddenly grieved as I discovered similarities between Israel and the church today. Let me state my purpose in this blog clearly - this is NOT to depress you or condemn the church, or anything to that degree. This is to share my heart with you and exhort you to pray for the church more fervently. I was so driven to prayer after being pressed to the point of weeping as these comparisons were made evident to me. I am in unspeakable anguish even now, as I write this.

Hosea 6:4 ~ What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? For your loyalty is like a morning cloud and the dew which goes away early.
This passage is pretty straightforward. The church is unfaithful. She does not keep her commitments. Her heart is not devoted entirely to her Beloved. I think you know what her distractions are without thinking about it too hard.

Hosea 6:6 ~ For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, and in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
We are so consumed by our "burnt offerings", i.e. missions trips, campus ministries, bible studies, etc. Yet we do not even know Him as we ought! How can we say we are serving Him purely out of our passionate love for Him when we do not even make the time due Him every day? When His name barely ever crosses our lips? When He is the last person that we even think of talking to??? Our burnt offerings cannot please Him, when we do not pursue the knowledge of Him first and foremost.

Hosea 7:2a ~ And they do not consider in their hearts that I remember all their wickedness.
How many times have we done something, thinking that no one will ever know? How many times have we failed to consider that we always have a witness, even when we are alone? And that our witness is our Master and our Judge.

Hosea 7:9a ~ Strangers devour his strength, yet he does not know it.
We often do not even know what weakens us. That is how overtaken the church has become by the world. We are desensitized to the very things that are an abomination to our Lord, and do not even feel the rift widening in our relationship with Him as we blindly allow ourselves to be led deeper into darkness.

Hosea 7:10 ~ Though the pride of Israel testifies against him, yet they have neither returned to the Lord their God, nor have they sought Him, for all this.
We know that what we do is wrong, that He is right and what we do only leads to destruction without Him, yet we do not return to Him, and we do not seek Him, in spite of our pain and aimlessness.

Hosea 7:14 ~ And they do not cry to Me from their heart when they wail on their beds.
Even in our deepest, heart-rending pain and grief, we do not cry out to Him. Why??? We have this extraordinary relationship with Him! We are the only ones with this relationship, and yet we act like there is no solution, no comfort, no hope.

Hosea 8:1-3 ~ Put the trumpet to your lips! Like an eagle the enemy comes against the house of the Lord, because they have transgressed My covenant and rebelled against My law. They cry out to Me, "My God, we of Israel know you!" Israel has rejected the good; the enemy will pursue Him.
The church has demeaned holiness. The lists of vile things that Lord hates that are found all over the new testament are also found in the church. The church has ceased to pursue holiness, but Satan pursues the church even more eagerly, to hinder God's work from being done, to try to stifle the glory due Him.

Hosea 8:5b ~ How long will they be incapable of innocence?
Have you heard the things that come out of our mouths? The jokes that we laugh at? The innuendos that we choose to see? It disgusts me, especially when I find it in myself. Imagine how much more it must disgust the Lord who died for our holiness!

Hosea 9:4b ~ Their bread will be like mourners' bread; all who eat of it will be defiled, for their bread will be for them alone; it will not enter the house of the Lord.
All the work that we do, the profits we strive for, is defiled and full of sorrow, because it was not given over to the Lord, but was for our own gain. So congratulations! so many people in the church have just spent their whole lives gaining mourners' bread!

Hosea 9:10b ~ they devoted themselves to shame, and they became as detestable as that which they loved.
The church has devoted herself to shame! If she is not devoted to God, then this is the only thing she can be devoted to! That which she loved has made it like herself! What do we love? How is it changing us? I think this is easily answered by recognizing what our sins are, because the more evident and abundant they are, the easier it is to trace the cause.

Hosea 13:6 ~ As they had their pasture, they became satisfied, and being satisfied, their heart became proud, therefore they forgot Me.
He has blessed us so much, yet we are content to live comfortable lives, and convinced that He wants nothing more from us than that! How can we think this way? How can any believer be satisfied with getting a good-paying job, having a nice house, raising a family, going to church every Sunday, and dying??? That is not the purpose He has called us to! He sent ALL the disciples out! He didn't tell any of them to settle down and have a nice, peaceful (by the world's standards) life! Why then, do we think that this way of life is normal? Why are we content with any less than what He has promised us?

Here, however, are some passages of encouragement and hope:

Hosea 6:1-3 ~ Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.

Hosea 10:12 ~ Sow with a view to righteousness, reap in accordance with kindness; break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the Lord until He comes to rain righteousness on you.

Hosea 11:8a-9 ~ How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I surrender you, O Israel? My heart is turned over within Me, all My compassions are kindled. I will not execute my fierce anger; I will not destroy Ephraim again. For I am God and not man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath.

Hosea 12:6 ~ Therefore, return to your God, observe kindness and justice, and wait for your God continually.

Hosea 14:4 ~ I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from them.

Please pray with me, in urgency, in love, in faith, that there will be a revival in the church. Pray Hosea 2:23 ~ I will sow her for Myself in the land. I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, and I will say to those who were not My people, "You are My people!" and they will say, "You are my God!"

In Whatever Circumstances

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need." ~ Philippians 4:11-12

I truly feel that this is what Christ is teaching me right now. With "humble means", compared to my huge ambitions, with a semester coming up in which I am anticipating enormous amounts of stress, in a world full of scarcity, crime and worry, I am at rest and my joy is complete in Christ. I am tempted to worry about the future, and have done so, but not anymore. Doubt (lack of faith) has been a big problem for me, but in this same passage, that is as addressed. The very next verse after speaking of learning to be content in whatever circumstances is more famous than any other verse in this whole book: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." I think it's strange how we disconnect this verse from the previous verses. They definitely need to go together to make a complete thought. Why can I be content? Why can I have abundance in the midst of suffering? Why can I be filled while going hungry? Because I have the ultimate entrepreneur on my side! I have limitless resources in my Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! He fills me spiritually, so that I need nothing. My joy is complete in Him! And if He wants me somewhere, He will make it happen! If I am acting in obedience to Him, He will not leave me alone to fight my battles and push through impossible circumstances. I have every reason to overflowing with joy and contentment!