I'm talking to you. Not the 10 other people that are popping into your mind right now who you think need to start being real with other people. You. This post may be harsher than usual, because it's something that i'm very passionate about, and, i tried to wait until i could calm down about it, but i realized that that's not going to happen, so just expect it. :P
I'm going to tell you what i have been seeing, and i'm going to tell you that there are quite a few who have expressed the same observations to me. Now, i am talking particularly to the ladies, but guys, i'm sure some of this applies to you too, so don't shrug it off. This is how my conversations with most of you go. I ask you how you are doing, and you say you're fine or you give some christianese answer to deflect the question to make me feel unspiritual if i want to dig a little deeper, or you try to satiate my concern by complaining about school or work and just how busy your life is. Do i want to know the latter? sure. But i when i ask "how are you doing?" i mean it in the deepest sense of the question. i mean in your heart and in your spirit. If you don't feel comfortable talking to me about it, that's ok. But just tell me that. i won't be offended. Oh. side note. When i say "i", i'm not talking about just me. I'm talking about all your brothers and sisters in Christ. This isn't a rant about a personal issue i have to get off my chest. This is a real problem in the body of Christ. And i can tell when you aren't telling me everything there is to tell. When you're saying something surfacey. It just concerns me more. You don't have to tell me what's up. But there are many of you who i am almost certain don't talk to anyone about what's going on. Pick someone. Someone who's grounded in God's word, and who won't just make you feel good when you come to them, but someone who will challenge you when your perspective is wrong. It's biblical! "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17) We're supposed to have that kind of relationship with other believers, and i'm worried that many of you don't have that. I see many of you isolating yourselves completely, because you're afraid of getting hurt or you think your strong enough or something. That's pride. I don't care how - wait, let me rephrase that - i do care how much you've been hurt or whatever, but to let that keep you from building up other believers and being built up by them is sooo wrong. It says you don't love the body of Christ. "Love keeps no record of wrongs" 1 Corinthians 13:5). We're humans. We're going to fail you. You're going to fail us. But that's the beautiful thing about being bonded in Christ! He makes it so that those relationships can be fixed! So that in spite of our own issues, we can draw each other closer to Christ! You need the support of other believers in your life. If you don't have that input, you will end up with some seriously messed up views on life, the body of Christ, and even Christ Himself. It will lead to very bad things.Proverbs 11:14 says "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." Again, i'm not saying you need to open up to me personally, or everyone in the church, but find a few people who you know will be a godly influence and build you up in love, and let them help you and ask Christ to help you to help them. Don't let your pride get in the way. I have a grand total of 2, MAYBE 3 girl friends, with whom i have the capability currently to have this kind of a relationship with. All the others won't let me get that close to them. I find that sad. May i just throw this in there, ladies. A few months ago, i exhorted you to pray for our young men. God is doing some serious work in them now, and we are the ones who are starting to lack a fervor for Christ and the body, generally speaking. Step it up!
Colossians 3:12-14 ~ "Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
I see no room for isolation or nursing wounds in that passage. Get over yourselves. now.
I'm glad you've noticed this. While this is Biblical, I'd also add that we should strive to be the kind of sisters who have earned the right to listen. People won't share when they know that word will get around about why they're not ok!
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting =)
Hehe, oh yeah, i forgot to throw that in there. whoops. Yeah, there is a definite reason we don't open up to people, and we should work on being people that we would want to share stuff with. For me that means that i need to 1) know when to shut up and not preach at people and just be there for them (and vice versa), 2)pray for them while i'm with them and when i'm not and pray for my own interaction with them, so that our relationship will please God, and 3) when to open up to them about my own life in order for them to feel free to open up about theirs, or let them make the first move.
Deleterelationships are complicated. :P Thanks for bringing it up!
Anne Marie,
ReplyDeleteMy wife read your post to me... and I appreciate what you said. I've been thinking about this topic too... among men. 6 months ago I was in a 5 day counseling training with a small group of men. We learned how to open our hearts to each other. I can add a number (4) to your list of being a good listener. God is called the God of all comfort. Jesus said He would not leave us as orphans but leave us another Comforter (like Himself), the Holy Spirit. Paul said to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep. In the past 4 years I've been learning how to comfort others when they share their hurts or aloneness with me. I've been learning to open my heart to a group of HS guys I meet with each week, to my wife and kids, and some men I know. It was encouraged to think about how Jesus opened His heart up to His disciples for example, when He asked them to come and pray with Him. Paul say: "But God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed and the sinking, comforted and encouraged and refreshed and cheered us by the arrival of Titus. [Yes] and not only by his coming but also by [his account of] the comfort with which he was encouraged and refreshed and cheered as to you, while he told us of your yearning affection, of how sorry you were [for me] and how eagerly you took my part, so that I rejoiced still more."
in Christ unkel Dennis (and auntie Alexandra)
Thank you for sharing that with me.:)I think alot of times we just push the value of comfort aside because it seems weak and emotional, but it is very biblical, and i think we would do well to realize how it is used in the Bible and to practice it with our brothers and sisters. I'm so glad you mentioned that!
DeleteI have also been very passionate about vulnerability in the body of Christ (as you probably know, Anne :P) but I have noticed a closing off within myself. Part of it is that I don't even know how to be vulnerable with myself & that translates to my relstionships. (Is that admission vulnerable enough?) Sometimes, I feel that my lack of emotion makes me an emotional wreck anyway.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being vulnerable about being vulnerable (on a blog post no less!). It's hard to tell. I know i can fool myself very easily in this area and think i'm being honest with others because i've gotten so used to ignoring issues in my heart that i don't even see them, and if i start to see them, i stuff them back down, because it would be weak to actually have that problem, and my warped view says hiding it means it's not there. :P So yeah, it's hard, but i really appreciate you expressing that difficulty. i love you. <3
Deleteouch. I'm definitely guilty of shrugging "how are you" questions off. I agree with all the rest...and am completely ready to have other people open up to me. but it is just freaking hard when you have opened up to many people and don't get...the comfort you hoped for back. But it's important to open up to people who will listen. I've just had so many that don't that I'm afraid I'm leaning toward the danger of not only shutting out those that don't but also those that might. Because of fear...like you said. But i shouldn't be shutting anybody out. ever. It's just hard to find a balance where your heart doesn't feel ripped to shreds every time your vulnerability isn't responded to well. Or maybe that is the only way to be sure you have a heart of flesh instead of a heart of stone. i don't know...I'm still trying to figure these things out. I see them...and know the answers in my head but am not sure how much my heart agrees with them or can take them. but, thanks for posting. :)
ReplyDeleteWell, not everyone means "how are you", i guess... but i do, for future reference. ;) Yeah, i know it's hard. There is a fine line to distinguish in it all, and i've only gotten as far as i have by messing up and learning from that. :P You're welcome. :) i love you! <3
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